We dropped Maddox off at daycare for the first time this morning. It sucked. Not quite as much as I thought it would suck, but it definitely sucked. S went to work late today so we could go together, which helped quite a bit. Thanks, S.
As we strapped Maddox into his car seat (after he fell asleep in my arms while S walked Feeney), we had what I imagine is the same conversation most parents have when they drop their baby off at daycare for the first time. Where I said things like: "This is stupid." "Why are we doing this?" "Do we really need to do this?" And S said things like, "yes it's stupid." "A long time ago you said you couldn't be a stay at home mom, that you want to continue your career." And "give it a try, maybe we don't, we can look at the finances."
Yes I have student loan debt up the wazoo and yes I like my job, have coworkers who feel like family, and I love my work arrangement. But like everything else in life things change and it makes you question your priorities. A couple years ago I went from being on the fence as to whether I wanted a child at all to desperately wanting a baby and not being able to stay pregnant. Now I just want to watch a video monitor and wait til my baby wakes up so I can snuggle him and breastfeed him. Five years ago this week my mom started cancer treatments and she went from my mom who I loved very much and talked to on the phone daily, to my mom for whom I had every single finger and toe crossed for months, and who I now can't stand to be away from. Things change.
So my baby who has had all his meals and snacks at his momma's breast will be sitting on a stranger's lap today when he drinks my milk. When he wakes up 45 minutes into his morning nap a stranger will decide whether to let him talk to the ceiling in a strange room until he falls back to sleep or to pick him up and endure the sleepy cries twenty minutes later. He's going to smell like someone else's house when I pick him up.
But this time last year when the magnolia tree across the street was in bloom, things changed too. Our baby bee stayed put and kept growing. And even though I can still remember life before baby M, (I'm working my way down to those jeans, but they still sit there on the shelf in my closet mocking me) we love the change he brought to our lives.
Here's baby M hanging out while I got dressed this morning:
